These Dreams, Vol. 1

Taken from my journal dated 6 June 2004, the year before my kids went to live with their father:

I want to remember this dream I just had: I was with Scott (my ex-husband), but as Josh (my eldest son). Staying over at his house one night (it was all at nighttime - very dark and hard to see), I had a nightmare. I was trying to wake myself up from it, and I couldn't. I had opened my eyes in the dream, and all I could see was red flashing lights that reminded me of scary eyes, and dark, macabre shadows. My struggle to wake up was in vain, so I began kicking and thrashing about in the dream and screaming "Dad! Dad!" until my hoarse, boy-like voice was swallowed up in the dream state where you try to scream, but can't. Soon I could vaguely make out Scott's figure and presence appearing intertwined with the liquid blackness of my nightmare. He knew that I wasn't really Josh, yet he was there by my side, holding my hand, with the doubt and reserve that he has in any instance that involves me, yet despite his feelings about me he still came. He stayed with me as I awoke, and assisted me as I struggled to keep the demons away. I asked him to please not leave because I was still seeing scary images even though I was now out of bed. I remember grabbing at him imploring him to stay because I was still struggling with the nightmare. I seem to remember him telling me it was OK. We both knew I wasn't really Josh (sleeping on the bottom bunk), but the fact that he was there for me in spite of it made a significant impression, which led to me writing them down so I wouldn't forget it.