After my eldest, was born, I stopped working full time to stay home and raise him, and eventually his brother, who was born two years later. When my ex and I split, I retained custodial care of them, although we had the courts state 'joint' on the custody order. I was the primary caregiver from the time they were babies.
In the summer of 2005, I made the difficult decision to allow them to go and live with their father, who resides in a town approximately an hour's drive northwest. I made this decision after months of heartache of watching my oldest son cry himself to sleep each night upon returning from his visitation with his dad, because he 'missed him'. Josh was always very close to his father, and started expressing a deep desire to be with him. On top of this, the boys were entering a very difficult stage, and would challenge me at every turn. They needed a firm hand, and I felt that I was woefully inept at giving them the guidance and direction they so desperately needed.
After much deliberation and discussions with my immediate family, whose opinions I value greatly, I made the decision to allow them to move in with their father. My youngest wasn't completely on board with the idea, but I did not want to break them up. I had grown up apart from my two sisters, and missed out on some wonderful times with them as a result. I was adamant that this would not happen with my kids. Tyssen was only eight years old at the time, and I felt as if he wasn't capable of making such a decision on his own.
So that was almost a year and a half ago. Things have changed drastically for me since the boys went to their dad. I am for all intents and purposes a single woman without the day-to-day responsibility of childcare. However not a single day goes by when I have a moment of fleeting regret for the decision I made. They are happy living with their father, as they have told me, almost sheepishly, asking if I am upset at them for it. Of course I am not, and I don't want them to feel any guilt for being happier.
I feel as if I have lost them forever. The school bus stops on the corner every morning, and it makes me want to sob thinking that I will never again get to put my kids on the bus to school. Pretty soon they will be teenagers, and it will be hard enough to get them to want to make the trip to come and see me on the weekends.
I am in the midst of redecorating my house. We have just repainted Josh's old room and he will be switching rooms with me. Tyssen's old room has a mural of Scooby Doo on the wall. I have to paint over it, and I just can't bring myself to do it. It is like washing away the last remnants of my children's existence in our home. As an antidote, I am going to redo my old bedroom and make it into the boys' room. I intend to make it a family project where they can be involved in the painting and decorating.
I hope that makes it all a little less painful.
-Bizzy
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