It's an age-old question. For those of us who have to ask, chances are we have never found it. I imagine that it smacks you in the face when you happen upon it, and it can be so profound that it scares you.
At least that's what I've been told.
It's no wonder that many of us are so uptight with our guard up so as to protect ourselves from those who would break our hearts. However the very same shield we brandish can also prevent safe, attentive and caring love from entering. How are we ever to realize this gift if we are not willing to risk heartbreak to find it?
I should be a very jaded woman, with all I've been through. I have never been 'in love' ( unless you count being in love with the hope of a bright future with someone), but rather just controlled and taken for granted. I have been pursued by people that I was not interested in; I have been completely in awe of and excited by someone, but I have never had that experience of finding someone with whom I can be myself and don't have to feel as if I have to act a certain way with them. I have never had that kinship, that feeling of the other person being an extension of me...having so much in common with someone that you are almost the same person. I can see it in my mind's eye, and it is hard to describe in mere words.
I have had that euphoria that you experience when you meet someone whom you think is really cool...when you just can't stop thinking about them...when you just want to do everything you can to make them happy in every possible way.
What is also desirable is that everything you are feeling is being reciprocated by the other person. You are getting back what you are giving out, and there is no one-sidedness. It's about both of you wanting to and trying to make each other's dreams come true. It's about feeling 'safe' with that person.
I think that last statement really hits the nail on the head. I have been in so many relationships in which I didn't feel safe, and I just didn't think to even question it. Now I know better, and if I'm faced with that feeling I'll know what to do.
I remember when my ex-husband and I were engaged and attending premarital counselling with the pastor who was going to officiate at the wedding. He asked us point blank why we wanted to get married. We answered it was because we loved each other of course, however we weren't being honest. We really didn't have an answer, so we just said what we thought he wanted to hear. The truth be told, we had been dating for years and just thought that it was the thing to do. I was twenty-three and wanted desperately to be a wife and mother, and he was pushing thirty and felt he'd invested four years in our relationship by then and didn't want to have to start over again with someone else. We didn't even know what love was. We were idiots.
Why don't the schools have lessons on love and relationships in addition to sexual education? Why aren't more strides being taken to assist young people to go within and learn to understand themselves? Then when they finish high school they are a little bit wiser and understand better the repercussions of choosing an unsuitable partner. I personally don't think this would have helped in my case, but it could conceivably help many other young people.
My eight-year-old was invited over to his 'girlfriend's' house today to hang out with her family. My oldest son reports that he really likes this girl a lot and talks about her all the time. When the time comes, I plan on being there to coach my kids along so they don't make the same mistake their parents did.
B.G. ;)
